Why are not they fined for reproaches? After all, reproaches are an emotional beating, leaving bruises and scars on your soul. But, unfortunately, the forensic examination of the reproaches is not carried out and the certificate of the beating of the soul is not given. X-rays do not enlighten the emotional burnout of a person. Warm-heartedness can continue to blame the air with reproaches with impunity, improving its ability to reproach, blame, reproach, reproach, prick, and pierce the uncomplaining victim. From such verbs, reflecting the essence of reproaches, I want to dodge, as from a deadly blade. No wonder they say that words have a soul. Reproaches appear in the mind in the form of a piercing-cutting weapon. Who is a pin, who is an awl and who and a syringe for an elephant attacks the world of another person with reproaches, trying to establish their own order there, and put in full control. A reproach is a manifestation of anger through ill-concealed aggression. A reproach is a means to show your importance, attract attention to yourself or to what is important to me, this is the desire to change another without changing yourself.
The psychologist asked the quarrelsome woman: "When you reproach your husband with reproaches, do you really expect that he will improve and love you more? If he wants to learn the truth about his shortcomings, he will come to me and hate me for this truth. Why do you reproach the husband with hatred? "
Reasons for reproaches. The roots of our reproaches are hidden in childhood. Reproaches are a hereditary disease. If the parents did not sit down without reproaches for the table, our personal archive (subconscious mind) archived all this in the folder "Stereotypes of behavior" and now obligingly slips reproaches for a "psychic attack" on another person. The acquired "family tradition" becomes a psychological attitude of behavior in the family. If the mother, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, literary or film heroine went through life on the steps of reproaches, then this line of behavior becomes a popular young person. When they say to her: "Reproaches do not work," she looks at the stubborn, weak-willed husband, grins and thinks: "It works. Still as works ".
The causes of reproaches, in addition to the stereotypes of adult behavior that have been examined and learned in childhood, are manifold. First of all, this is a discrepancy between expectations. "I thought, I was hoping, but it turned out" - these are words of deceived expectations and unfulfilled hopes. I wanted to grab the prince, but got a surrogate. Is this not a reason to disrupt anger through reproaches? In an unsuccessful career, the world and other people, about whom Kisa Vorobyaninov so brilliantly expressed himself - "those who thought of themselves," blamed them, blame them, let their conscience bite, because they deceived expectations.
Reproaches are needed not to restore justice, but to satisfy feelings of self-importance. Reproaches are an effective means to strengthen pride. To the reprobate the blood from the nose needs to maintain its importance. Expensive exclusive things, diamonds, cars, dachas, yachts and prestigious acquaintances are necessary for him in order to increase his importance in his own eyes and in the eyes of others. And then bummer - the husband (lover) do not want or can not bend over before the obscene requests of the "unfortunate" woman. In the course are stinging reproaches. She takes offense, worries, feels deprived and dissatisfied. But the real reason for the reproaches in her desire to "show off", to show her "steepness", importance.
Take a detached view of the reprobate. What feelings and emotions does it cause? First of all, pity, dislike and irritation. Usually, it is a neurotic, an unhappy man, hunched under the burden of life problems or a person with an inferiority complex. It happens that before us is a weak, desperate person who uses the power of reproaches to maintain his self. And sometimes the reason for reproaches is banal - character traits, overwork or sexual dissatisfaction. If a woman does not moan at night, she grumbles during the day. Often the causes of reproaches are hidden in the nature of the reproach. Some people do not need sex either, if you can enjoy the suffering and suffering of another person. Thus, you can raise your self-esteem, assert yourself at someone else's expense. And you can also get the energy of emotions, which spills out in conflicts based on reproaches. The victim of reproaches "eats his teeth" from the negative emotions that overwhelmed him, feels exhausted and lost, and the reproach is recharged by this emotional energy of the donor and rubs his hands pretty. The next time he wants to "eat", he reproaches once again wipes out the victim's feelings of guilt, a sense of duty or fear of loneliness.
Forms of reproaches. This stinging weapon is used in a variety of bizarre shapes. The most popular direct rebuke is when a reprocurator directly accuses a victim of reproach in some way, declaring his generalized sharp negative evaluation position. Nature deprived the woman of physical strength, so the woman mastered the art of psychological violence. Often direct reproaches reflect a disdainful, contemptuous and offensive attitude towards the victim. For example: "You are not capable of anything", "Rag, not a man", "Your hands do not grow from there", "Everything is not the same as with people." Direct reproaches cover material insolvency, inattentive attitude towards the woman and children, her parents, not a desire to deal with domestic problems, a spoiled career or even life in general: "I have ruined the best years of my life with this monster," "Mom told me, run away from this Loser. " If you want to prick more, go to direct reproaches, humiliating the sexual dignity of men: "You are not a man", "Yes! And you have a small salary too. " From such reproaches, a man experiences great stress, begins to worry and doubt, to show self- doubt, he may lose self-esteem and not only her. Such reproaches cause the man also to feel guilty and push him to the leftist. To heal the wounds of male pride and confirm their male significance is on the side.
Equally painful are comparative or veiled reproaches . At the heart of their anger and cunning. Sometimes they sound much worse than direct reproaches. The woman says: "You know, a neighbor bought his wife a car," "Unlike some, my boss is really a man", "Yes, to Ivanov you swim and swim", "A friend's husband ..." Comparative reproach involves third parties and is taught Not for the benefit of the victim, it is for this purpose that the victim should understand his uselessness and suffer.
Reproaches are also used through non-verbal means: gestures, glances and deathly silence. By force of influence, non-verbal reproaches are not inferior to their verbal brothers, and, often, they can give them a hundred points of odds. Remember "Smoke" by I. Turgenev: "Irina does not even raise her eyebrows and sits motionless, with an angry smile on her gloomy face; But to her parents this smile is bitter than any reproach, and they feel guilty, guilty before this creature without guilt. "
You can reproach yourself. Then we face self-reproaches, as, for example, in Turgenev's "Smoke": "My dear! I've been thinking all night about your proposal ... I'm not going to be cunning with you .... I can not run away with you, I can not do it. I feel like I'm to blame for you; My second guilt is even greater than the first, - I despise myself, my cowardice, I reproach myself with reproaches, but I can not change myself. " A variant of self-reproaches are reproaches of conscience.
What do people do with reproaches? Many people do nothing at all, because mutual reproaches are a comfortable line of behavior habitual for them since childhood. In the space of reproaches they are also comfortable, like a fish in the water. Many couples live, according to them, with dignity and happiness, reproaching each other hundreds of times a day. It should be remembered that the destructive power of reproaches is mitigated by the intonation of the voice. It is necessary that the notes do not sound in the intonation. In Vaenga's song "I smoke" there are these words: "Yes it does not matter what you said, It does not matter what, but how". How much depends on this. Paradox, but there are also affectionate reproaches. For example, in Turgenev's Ace: "Gagin met me in a friendly way, showered me with tender reproaches."
Hints on how to remove reproaches from your life.
In the overwhelming majority, reproaches are not fair. The daughter calls her mother and complains: "Mom, this ungrateful husband again does not want to eat buckwheat!" - "Daughter, and you tell him how you tried when she cooked!" - "Op-punk, so it should be cooked ??! .. "The reproach is an interference in our life, the desire to make us act according to the expectations of others. We are being forced by someone else's will and another's desire to bring us back to the control zone of the reprobate. But we do not live to justify the expectations of others and we have the right to be ourselves, others others. The reprobate is usually "friendly" with a person who does not have everything in order with his own worth and sense of guilt. Sometimes it's enough just to tell the reprobate once that you will not tolerate any reproaches and stop communication in such a tone, in case it repeats.
Categorically can not be justified . This is an axiom . Ignore the reproaches is not always reasonable - you can provoke even more aggression. You can translate everything into jokes, but never make excuses. Excuses are evidence of guilt. A woman in a fit of emotion could unconsciously blurt out something superfluous. Excuses, you suddenly suddenly confirm the justice of her reproaches. Without justification, better understand the causes of reproaches and, if they are weighty, think about how your behavior will prevent them in the future. It is possible to react to reproach with irony. So on the phrase: "You do not always fall into the trash can" you can safely answer: "The main thing is that I always get into another place."
On what do we catch the reproach? On a sense of guilt, a sense of duty and a fear of loneliness. Want to leave the ranks of constantly reproached people, show all fans of reproaches that you do not pick up on feelings of guilt, an excessive sense of duty and the fear of remaining alone. So you deprive your home reproach base for reproaches.
A reproach is a praise with a minus sign. If a person is overwhelmed with reproaches, then praise is crushed in him. Therefore, you need to get out of the debris of praise. When they straighten their shoulders, reproaches will diminish their ardor or run away like uninvited guests. A sure way to keep a man - to praise him with all his might. If you want your man to achieve something - praise him with all his might. If you want your man to consider you the most charming and attractive - praise him with all his might. Remember that reproaches work against you. A man is an action and a goal. A woman is an attitude, a state and a desire. Reproaches destroy relationships, and praise builds. A relationship builder is a woman.
Give more love and attention to your beloved women. Then you will definitely forget about reproaches.