Insecurity as a quality of personality

The phenomenon of the "Jewish mummy" is well known, which does not make a soul in one's child and inspires the kid with the diaper: "Izya, you are a genius!". If the teacher does not respond well to her child, she says: "Izzy! We were not understood here. We go to another school. " The Russians are sawing: "Ivan, you're a fool." They raise their children like a naskodivshego cat: "Do not climb, do not horror, you'll kill, I'll kill you! Why are you so fat, cattle? Go, play with the ball!" And then they wonder why there are so many Jews among scientists, cultural figures, bankers and chess players. The secret is simple: self-confident people grow up as a logical result of respectful upbringing. Insecurity grows out of mistakes in upbringing.

The child imitates the reactions of uncertain, helpless parents to life events. Up to six years his mind is not able to critically process incoming information. Direct and indirect harmful suggestions, beliefs, psychological attitudes, prejudices, misconceptions and stereotypes of parents' thinking, filled with self-doubt, directly fall into the subconscious of the child. From this garbage of uncertainty a bizarre bouquet is formed - a system of his ideas about life. Direct harmful suggestions are phrases like "you are not worthy to have it", "not according to Senka hat", " you will not get it", "do not even try", "where are you", "you'll be fooling around all your life And attach to the wall. " Indirect harmful suggestions: " Whatever your job, so that you do not starve to death" ( implicit suggestions: " you will not find a decent job", "you can die of hunger"), "to you at least some, but a husband" ( implicit suggestions: "You are ugly", "you will not find a good husband" ), and other insidious phrases in the same spirit. In other words, uncertainty is not an inborn quality. Uncertainty is the product of human socialization.

And so, this insecure creature walks into the adult world. But it can not achieve the goal because of unbelief in itself. Since childhood he has understood that all his actions are doomed to failure. Introducing himself as a small man, a bug, it overstates the assessment of the external world. For example, before him is the goal to enter the university. Not believing in their abilities, on the one hand, and trembling before the authority of the university, on the other, it falls into a stupor, into a stupor. The external significance of admission to the university causes a tormenting expectation, and the internal significance is filled with a lack of faith in one's abilities. Fused, they become uncertain. All energy goes into anxiety, anxiety and fear. For exams, there is no energy left.

Uncertainty is confidence, diluted with fear and reverence for the importance of the outside world. Uncertainty is caused by two main reasons: internal - fear and external - reverence for external, overestimated assessment of objects and phenomena of the surrounding world ( importance ). Uncertainty is imbued with fear. For example, a person is afraid to swim (fear), thinking that he will not succeed (uncertainty). Or another example: a person wants to walk in the evening, but feels insecure because of hooliganism in the area. Having learned that the streets of the area are patrolled by the police, the fear disappeared, and uncertainty along with it.

Any person experiences uncertainty and a certain discomfort, being outside the zone of their competence. For example, the oligarch is seriously ill with his beloved dog. He is directly "shaking with confidence." Of course, there is no trace of confidence. There was fear, and uncertainty. He fell into a turbulent zone of uncertainty. And here he is calling the best vet. A veterinarian - uncertain in their financial affairs person, but a true professional in his business. So it turns out: a veterinarian in the field of finance is uncertain about the oligarch, and the oligarch is uncertain about the field of medicine, where the veterinarian feels confident.

Uncertainty is confidence with the opposite sign. Like confidence, it depends not only on fear, but also on external factors and circumstances. We try to prove ourselves and the world our own worth. This is the lion's share of our energy. When you discard the desire to stick out and prove to everyone that you are so good and important, but simply be calm about your importance, others will involuntarily feel it. Your self-esteem and your own importance will be compared with the evaluation of others. The other sixth sense realizes your significance.

An insecure person, that is, a person with low self-esteem, like a sword of Damocles, hangs on the importance of everything external. The situation is exacerbated if a sense of guilt is also involved. Since childhood, uncertainty feeds on a sense of guilt and drags it with him, as a re-convict of criminal record. Hence the feeling of inferiority, inferiority and unworthiness. With such luggage, life goes sluggishly, hesitantly and mediocre. At the same time, manipulators fly to the guilt feeling, like flies in the trash. Playing on a sense of guilt, they force you to excuse yourself and prove something. You lose energy and grow your uncertainty, and they assert themselves at your expense. Justify yourself before others categorically not.

Tell yourself: "I have every right to be myself: to rejoice and grieve, to err, to commit" wrong "actions from the point of view of others, to defend myself if I am insulted. I have the right to have and express my feelings, assessments and opinions without apologizing or apologizing. I have the right to independently set my priorities and remain myself, despite the opinions of others. Say no without feeling guilty.

No one has the right to judge you. Send the manipulators back home. Remember: your importance to the court is not . Only in this way will you get rid of the painful feeling of guilt. In other words, stopping to fight for your own importance and discarding the desire to justify yourself, you will decide questions of your own internal importance. It, just, and manifests itself in two hypostases: the anxiety about one's own worth and feelings of guilt.

You do not owe anything to anyone and do not owe anything to anyone. You love your family. Take care of her by conviction. Coercion and persuasion are two big differences. There is no obligation or coercion in persuasion. To all who encroach on your personal boundaries, say: "I do not have to be an angel. All people are not sinless. I do not have to justify the expectations of others, tear my veins and sacrifice my I for others. "

In addition to the internal one, it is also necessary to deal with external importance, manifested in the uncertainty and complexity of the problems. The saying "Always there is better, where there is no us" just from this series. Nothing to exaggerate the importance of the objects of the surrounding world. This causes anxiety and anxiety. For example, you want to get a job, but consider yourself not worthy of the desired position - uncertainty in itself makes itself felt. Fight for a position is not your method and style of behavior. You will experience, worry and steadily slide into depression. These emotions will take away all energy. If you consciously discard the halo of importance from the desired position and realize that it is not the gods that burn pots, you are more likely to take this position. It turns out that in order to achieve a position that you fully comply with, you only had to reduce the importance of the post. Energy, which previously mercilessly spent on the experience of its worthlessness, now goes to an unobtrusive presentation of the employer's best qualities.

Even animals can be caught by exaggeration of the significance of objects in the external world. On TV, they told a story about a thoroughbred stallion that could not be mated with a mare. He was looking for the most beautiful mare, and every time the stallion passed before them. Then some dock understood everything. He smeared the beautiful mare with mud, and the stallion quickly climbed up onto it. The thing is that the stallion was timid in front of beauty, and when it was smeared, dirty mud, he realized that he himself is not worse or even better. Men sometimes reason almost like horses.

Often an insecure person seeks confirmation of his own importance in the outside world through boorish and arrogant behavior. For this purpose, he can humiliate others, behave aggressively. Hams and insolent people are insecure people. To somehow assert themselves, to prove their worth, they begin to show impudence and rudeness.

As for uncertainty: operating in an unstable environment and not having full information about future events, we all have to somehow manage risks. It is not the reality of what is happening that destroys us, but the uncertainty of this reality. Uncertainty can not be managed. Take the scope of business or finance. Business is a risk. If we do not take chances, then we will not earn anything. Who does not take risks, he, as you know, does not drink champagne and does not sit in prison. It is necessary to treat uncertainty calmly, as an inevitable given. We are all in the same conditions on the same boat life. The main thing is to drop the importance, and the uncertainty will disappear.