Beware, Aggressive Children!

6 steps that will help cope with child aggression.

"My child is sometimes so aggressive and even rude ... Screams at me that I would not tell him, at such times I just lose patience and send the child to his room. Often, it leads to tears ... "

In our practice we (psychologists of the portal expertbaby.ru) come across dozens of such stories. When children undergo a critical period of development or are under stress for some other reason, their emotions break out onto people with whom they feel most secure - on the parent. But parents are also people, and they are angry with child aggression, which is an absolutely natural reaction. Angry, we make comments, tell the child what to do and how to behave, punish the child and even yell in response.

But when children seem aggressive and uncontrollable, they just try to give us the SOS signal. And if we respond by raising our voice, threatening (for example, depriving something), we send to another room to "calm down," we do not receive the distress signal the child sends us so desperately, and leave the child alone with his problems.

Of course, the child's behavior is more like a minefield than a request for help, but who said that raising children is a simple occupation? Below you will find six steps that will help you cope with child aggression.

1) Step One: Remind yourself that when your child screams, does not listen, shows aggression, then he gives an SOS signal.

Of course, this causes aggression when the child is rude to you. But if only you can take a deep breath and exhale, keep calm, then you will take a step towards modeling one of your child's most important skills - emotional self-control! Children learn much more effectively what we do, not what we say. If you shout at the child, explaining that you need to control yourself, it is unlikely to be perceived by the child's brain. And on the contrary, if your usual tone is respectful and calm, in the future a respectful and calm tone will become the norm for your child.

2) Step 2. Hint that a rough tone is bad.

Do not make a comment to the child, do not criticize him, on the contrary, support him, assume that something is bothering him, suggest discussing it. For example: "You are probably very upset, because you talk to me like that. Tell me what happened ... ". But if you really do not know about what caused this behavior, and to ask questions to a crying or angry child is sometimes useless. Try to reformulate the question into the hypothesis: "Are you angry because someone insulted you?", "You scream, because you do not know what to do?". You do not need to "get to the point", the wording itself stimulates the child to answer you, or object.

3) Step 3. Be ready that the dam breaks.

It is likely that your kind invitation to discuss what really bothers the child can provoke a flow of emotions in response. You risk learning about everything that makes his (child's) life horrible, dishonest and even unbearable. And it may be that you are the main reason. And then you need to show true wisdom in order to properly decipher the signal sent. The main thing is not to take everything personally said. All that the child wants to say is how much he is upset now.

4) Step 4. Empathize.

Yes, yes, we understand, you think: "He screams at me, but I must empathize ?!". But it is your empathy that heals. Such words as "oh, honey, now I see ... it's not surprising that you're upset." Do not give in to the desire to talk him out of your feelings or minimize them, saying "calm down". Of course, the child is excessively emotional at the time of aggression. After all, for a long time he kept in himself all those disappointments that this cruel world brought upon him. And your empathy is just what creates a sense of security for the child, allows you to say everything that upsets him and let it go.

5) Step 5. Listen to the way to provoke the child to think about the solution.

When a child calms down, he can think about possible solutions to the problem. "Can we go for a walk early, like Aunt Natasha and Maxim?" Your answer? "Great idea! What else could we do? "

Of course, ideas may not be so easily realizable, for example "I do not want to go to first grade, I'd rather stay at home" Your answer? "Hmm. You would prefer to stay at home and not go to school, apparently now the school scares you, but let's think, maybe there is something that will help us, what else can we do? "

So the child learns to offer ideas and solutions and thereby manage anxiety and anxiety, and most importantly this eliminates the need to fight with the child, trying to calm him down. This approach when solving problems forms confidence and competence in the child.

6) Step 6. Help the child understand what happened.

When you discuss with your child what has happened, it develops emotional intelligence, namely, promotes the development of neural connections in the brain that allow the child to better control his emotions (sounds good, right?). Gather yourself, add sympathy, a little sense of humor and talk with the child about what happened. "It was not easy for me to remain calm when you were so upset today, at first I was even hurt, but then I realized how upset you are ... I'm very glad that you told me."

When we abuse children or demand an apology, they resist. If, on the contrary, you share your experience and help the child to explore his emotions, he will have a unique opportunity to realize how he is perceived by others. And, perhaps, you will be surprised when you finally hear from the child an apology or gratitude or even "I love you."

Yes, the steps described above require more time and effort from you than simply send a child to his room "to think about his behavior." But when you use this approach in the process of raising a child, you develop emotional intelligence in him, teach him to empathize and solve problems. Moreover, you deepen your relationship with the child. In the end, he learns that you do not need to shout to be heard, just like you. J More useful articles you can find on the portal expertbaby.ru